The Christmas of a Maltese troll

Christmas is a time for love, happiness, and goodwill – for most of us that is. While the rest of us are getting day drunk and stuffing ourselves with enough food to top up the global food crisis, the troll, incensed by all of the cheer and kindness around, reaches an unprecedented peak of unhappiness to be unleashed on those around it.

While you are sitting with your loved ones, exchanging gifts and bickering humorously, this is how the Maltese troll spends Christmas.

Unless he is married, the male Maltese Troll will without a doubt still live with his mother who will undertake almost all of the tasks that he would expect from a wife.

This includes cooking three meals a day for him, picking up and washing the crusty socks off his bedroom floor, reading bedtime stories till he sleeps, and holding him while telling him that he is a fine specimen of man.

Over Christmas, the troll will emerge from his lair (bedroom) to feed on the food his mother has prepared, before retreating back to his dominion to unleash his hatred and frustration on the online world.

Married trolls are considered ever so slightly more evolved due to the fact that they have managed to forge some kind of relationship with someone who isn’t their mother.

They will spend their Christmas between the local political Party Club where they will ingest their weight in Cisk before staggering home, eat, make sexist/racist/homophobic comments on a newspaper article posted online, and then pass out fully clothed on the sofa.

The female troll is either the mother or the wife of the male troll and spends her Christmas at home, watching One News, leaving comments such as “GOD BLESS JOSEPH de best PRIM Minister EVER! HAHAHAHAH TO ALL you HATERS” on articles that have nothing to do with politics, and tending to the needs and desires of the male Maltese Troll who, you never know, could be the next ‘Joseph’.

During this time, the viciousness of the Maltese Trolls’ comments can escalate. This is due to a number of factors including an increase in the amount of alcohol ingested.

Another main reason for the increase in both the amount and the severity of their attacks is due to the fact that they cannot bear to see anyone else happy – not unless they express that joy in support for their dear Leader. They’re out on a mission to point that out.

Whether it’s starving asylum seekers in a boat off the coast of Malta, the homeless, the activists fighting for the rights of all, or the family of a murdered journalist, no one is safe from the wrath of the Maltese Troll at Christmas time.

Still, trolls like gifts too, and there’s nothing like facing hate with love, flower power, and all that. So here’s a selection:

When it comes to giving and receiving gifts, the most sought after items are as follows:

• Poinsettias – or any kind of flower – placed at the foot of the Great Siege monument. Top that up with a candle and you have a real feast.
• “Joseph – 10 Snin Mexxej”- marking 10 years of Labour Party leadership by Joseph Muscat, this book is number one on the list. Assuming pride of place on a shelf next to pictures of Joseph, Michelle and the two ‘princesses of the nation’, ownership of this book is considered a necessity in propagating our socio-cultural traditions.
• Party accessories – must have items in the A/W 2018 Maltese Troll Collection include phone cases, t-shirts, and posters adorned with logos and the face of the Dear Leader so they can be reminded of their idol every time they type out an incoherent message of hate. Another item in this category is the Party’s ‘Saucy Calendar for 2019’ featuring Helen Cutajar, Angele Camilleri, Nuxxellina, and Glenn Bedingfield in a naughty Santa outfit, although a lack of demand has resulted in a limited print run of three (even Bedingfield couldn’t bear it).

To you all, we wish peace and joy at Christmas.