Michelle…Queen of Floaters

Michelle Muscat has started her training regime for this year’s swimathon. The herculean endurance challenge she has set herself this year is to float for between eight to 10 hours.

Now, my great aunt, at the age of 86, used to be able to stay afloat for four hours without a problem and minimum training effort. The old girl was obviously a natural athlete as she would float around Armier chatting to her friends for hours.

She took the event in her stride, setting a pace she was consistent in maintaining. On occasions, it got a little bit competitive when a couple of nannas would unexpectedly join her ‘for a chat’ but my aunt always stayed focused and crossed the winning line.

To be honest, no one really ever timed her, so she might have set a world record and be ranked among the world’s greatest swimmers and we wouldn’t even know.

The only training she ever really did was the slight trot she broke into when she was occasionally late for the vegetable van. But my aunt was obviously an amateur, unlike Michelle who is taking this floating lark to a whole new level all in the name of her vanity charity.

Michelle’s training camp appears to be based at a boutique hotel in Gozo – Cesca’s Boutique Hotel. It had to be ‘boutique’, you see, because that means it’s posh, and with all the hardship she is going through with her training regime she deserves a little faux luxury on our money and the 800 cotton thread count on her sheets will make the vital difference.

We heard she got there on a yacht owned by the cousin of a man accused of murdering a journalist – then again, the Muscats are hardly known for keeping good company. Diane Izzo, wife of Karl Izzo on whose watch the Montenegro deal was signed, was there too, of course.

It is wonderful to see that, at last, the Malta Tourism Authority has invested in this event and that Xandru Grech didn’t get it all.  Their sponsorship has allowed Michelle to invest in the latest swimwear technology but because of the nature of the event she is obviously unable to wear the iridescent mermaid tail.

But we have spotted a problem. In her latest Instagram post where she has chosen to promote the event to her loyal subjects, she has declared that she is focusing on “legwork today”.

Now, this is great news as it is always good to isolate each muscle group; however, we have noticed that her feet are touching the bottom of the pool. We have checked with veterans of this endurance sport and they have confirmed our suspicions – she isn’t floating.

After the debacle of last year’s swimathon which saw her denied a world record ranking, I do think someone should mention this to her and check the rule book or rewrite it to suit her needs so when she is declared a world record holder for endurance floating there isn’t any confusion.

Well, good to get that sorted so it’s just a matter now of wishing her the very best in her floating challenge. She is an inspiration to floaters worldwide.